My Beef With Bagels: A Response

Although there is nary a food I will actively and publicly criticize for any reason at all (except for lima beans, of course), the time has come to explain why bagels are a source of frustration to me. My beef with bagels does not stem from their unholy background as the illegitimate child of bread and doughnut. Nor does my grievance arise because of the way everything bagels’ taste hangs around in my mouth for entire calendar weeks. In fact, my love for bagels runs deep and strong. I can ignore the fact that the best bagels come from the worst-smelling delis. I can embrace the poppy seed in tooth for hours phenomenon. My problem with bagels and the source of this griping is not that I hate bagels. It stems from the fact that I am a bagel snob.

Although a hard admission, I am positive that I am not alone. Ask almost any New Yorker where their favorite bagel shop is and they will almost certainly have an answer. Ask any two New Yorkers where each of their favorite bagel shops are and prepare yourself to hear a very long argument regarding baking times, flavors and variety of cream cheese spreads. In classic eclectic New York fashion, delis that sell bagels, lox and beer out of the same storefront get bonus points, as do delis that sell yuppie cream cheese such as Low Fat, no Calorie Scallion or Organic Seaweed.

I know I shouldn’t discriminate against bagels from other regions, but the truth of it is, bagels are better in New York. There aren’t many things we do well in general (see recent headlines about our State government), but circular boiled and baked dough is one thing we can take pride in. Our bagels are so good that bagels from other areas can’t compare. Bagels from chain restaurants or bagels that come from the frozen section of grocery stores are practically a sin to eat. Bagels from pseudo-Jewish delis situated in other states (except for some parts of New Jersey) are actively shunned and often ridiculed by residents of New York who are used to a much higher standard of rounded dough.

Chalk our expertise on the huge number of competing Jewish delis if you will, but I believe it’s simply in our blood to create good breakfast foods. My favorite bagel shop is Not Just Bagels in the small town of Goshen, New York. It is owned by a practicing Presbyterian and could not be farther from the typical Jewish deli. Lox is not sold there, nor are any fancy-schmancy spreads. It is down-to-earth, friendly and most importantly, delicious. A large amount of my hard-earned money has been spent buying everything bagels toasted twice with plain cream cheese, although sometimes I spring for the extra thirty-five cents and get vegetable spread.

But bagels aren’t the only thing we do really well in the category of breakfast food. Where else can you go to the neighborhood diner at three o’ clock in the morning on a Wednesday and order chocolate chip pancakes to settle your stomach after a heavy night of drinking? Where else can you drink you order a bloody mary with your Belgian waffle and not feel like you’re three steps away from rehab? No where but New York (and possibly some towns in rural Iowa).

Although there are culinary high points in every place I have lived, New York truly takes the cake when it comes to early morning sustenance. Whether it be a quick trip to Denny’s with the fam on Saturday morning, the weekly meeting with close friends at a diner for late-night waffles and cheaply brewed and since then scalded coffee, or a lone trip to the local deli for a bagel and juice-from-concentrate, New York is truly the best place to partake in breakfast delights of all sizes and shapes.